Shiv’a Visiting

Ellie sat a full traditional shiv’a for her mother, Julia Helfman. It was my first time being a “shiv’a spouse.” We learned a lot.

A complete shiv’a (Hebrew for “seven”) is really four whole days. The day of the funeral counts as one, as does the morning of the seventh day. One day will be Shabbat, with no outward observance of mourning. Just four full days.

Traditional shiv’a includes services in the mourner’s home when possible. The first morning in Ventnor, only nine people were present; Torah wasn’t read and various prayers were not recited. However, with those attending from near and far on Zoom, Ellie was able to recite kaddish at the end of the service, as is our standard online practice.

An emotional uplift was that the people attending the funeral or visiting were from many of Ellie’s communities — including previous synagogue, kids’ schools, volunteer efforts, social circles — long-time and younger relationships.

The attendance reminded me of a Julia aphorism: “If you’d go to the funeral, go to the simcha!”

Other positive points:

At the Philadelphia shiva, even visitors who hadn’t previously met Joel, Julia’s husband, sat with him for a few minutes.
Feeling embraced by the community when generous amounts of food were delivered through the week.
One of our children and her family of seven were with us all of shiv’a; it was a little chaos and a lot of loving distraction.
For Ellie, the cathartic benefit of sharing stories of her mom, and openly expressing her grief.
Technology shone in that those from afar could “attend” the live-streamed funeral and Zoomed services; text messages and emails were welcome.
The volume of tributes and notes of consolation has been heartening; don’t underestimate the power of a few kind words.

Over the years, we’ve witnessed a common expectation that food — from pastries and coffee to a full buffet — is set out for shiv’a visitors. Traditional shiv’a wisely frees the mourner and family from the burden of being hosts.

Shiv’a should not be a social occasion; rather, it is an opportunity to offer solace and support.

Likewise, social chatter is deleterious to the purpose of shiv’a. On two occasions, side conversations went on for too long between people sitting right in front of Ellie. She later shared with me that they had missed the point of the visit.

By the beginning of the fifth day, Ellie was ready to face a new normal, life without her mother’s physical presence.

The morning of the seventh day, after a walk around the block, Ellie placed the shiv’a candle in the fireplace where it continued to flicker … until it didn’t.

לזכר נשמת פריידא שמחה בת ברוך פינחס ואסתר מלכה